Two Pitfalls: Parents, Choose Your Confidants Wisely.

I haven't written for a long time here, and I'm working on a large catch up post these last couple of days. I still get lots of mail, however, and I'd say that it's evenly split between other adult children of divorce and parents considering or proceeding with divorce.

Today I quickly want to say very clearly that I believe there are two pitfalls for a family experiencing this kind of trauma, that both are completely avoidable, and my experience leads to believe that failure to do so increases everyone's grief exponentially.

The first is really simple, and unfortunately if you are an adult child, it's totally out of your control. Parents, I am talking to you:

The Cliché Parade: Daddy's Little Girl, Grown

I had a real moment last night. A painful, paradigm-wrenching, eyes still swelled shut in the morning from crying the night before one.

When our son was two, my dad gave him an electric motorcycle on Christmas eve morning, the kind little kids motor around on at like 1.5 mph. I felt irritated by it, I thought, because it has several types of loud, working sirens, it's made in China, there's nothing creative or open-ended about it, you get the idea. I buy sort of Waldorf-inspired things for the kids, and books. Nothing even remotely like this. He didn't even mention he was thinking about getting it, because he didn't think about getting it - he bid on it at a charity auction.

When my son opened it, he lit up like the 4th of July. Within 5 minutes he was steering around the furniture way beyond what I knew him to be capable of, with a look of pleasure so deep he couldn't even crack a smile. I've only seen that expression a handful of times. That's a really special one, one I want tattooed on my brain. And so after that, I accommodated the motorcycle, because I thought it would be Grinch-y of me not to.

So.

Last night, I realized that wasn't really the problem. The motorcycle, per se.

I'm still here!

My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago, and my regular blogging had to get shelved for a bit. Lots of changes upcoming for my family. Just wanted to let you know I intend to fire up the blog again as soon as I get caught up around my own home.

More soon.

Emotional Incest & Identity, or How Divorce Can Undo An Adult Child Completely

The collection of posts I've written thus far are mostly concepts that I've already worked through, even if I still need those thoughts to be heard. They were  composed fairly rapidly. It's no coincidence then, that the therapist I saw a week ago (and again today) held up a new idea, and I haven't completed a post since. I'm digesting.

I have a good friend that I've known since we were 15, who always said when we were teenagers that I gave the best relationship advice of anybody she knew, even though I'd never been in a relationship. She said that to me again recently.

I'm realizing now, that idea that at the time I'd never been in a relationship, that's not entirely true. By the time I was 12, I felt strongly that I understood each of my parents better than they understood each other. Maybe I have a long way to go in working though this, or maybe it is just the facts; it sure feels like the truth. Both my parents used me as a confidant to the extent that an acquaintance of my mother's, not knowing that she was also using me in the same way, remarked that it looked like my dad made me "the other woman" in my parents' relationship.

And this is called Emotional Incest.

Rightly so, because now I'm seeing how much it has in common with Sexual Incest. I was being told all sorts of stuff I shouldn't have been told. And I was given opportunities to contribute insight in meaningful ways. My intelligence was complemented. I had such good perspective, wise beyond my years. I was really helping my parents' relationship. Kudos to me, because in the face of complete breeches of parent-child boundaries, I could be such a helper. I probably got more approval from my parents in and around those conversations than at any other time. In fact, I could count on receiving parental approval that way, even and maybe especially when I was being made aware of what a disappointment I was to my parents in most every other facet of my life.  

My ability to give my parents those insights, to be their shoulders to cry on, to be allowed to witness to their marriage in such an intimate way, to prop them up - my self concept really developed around those ideas. My emotional barometer rose and fell with the state of my parents' relationship. In discussions with my dad, I saw my mother as frigid and unsympathetic, while he was passionate and unfulfilled. Conversely when talking to my mom, she was the victim (though sometimes a martyr as well) and my dad was sick with narcissism and sex addiction. And all of that was true, I think. It's just that different parts of the truth "mattered" more than others depending on who I talked to; meanwhile, my sense of self was forming around all this.

One of the things I've read about children who are abused in this way is that we don't have a strong sense of self. And that's absolutely true about me. I've always been very impressionable. When there is discord in the lives of those around me, it's extremely difficult for me to stay level myself. And I have often felt that I can sort of change to fit in in lots of different environments. That's an asset when you're drawn to theatre. Maybe that's exactly why I''m drawn to theatre. Who knows.

Growing up, I surrounded myself with strong personalities because I wanted to be seen as one. And I think I fooled everyone, including myself.

Another attribute of children of emotional incest is that very often, they'll report that there wasn't any specific loss in their childhoods - they don't feel robbed of anything, their innocence for example, because they still process their parental burdens as some sort of honor, or as being so integral to their esteem or identity that they can't frame it as abuse. I sat in a therapist's office yesterday and said that myself: that I don't mourn my childhood because there was a lot of good, despite the difficulties in my parents' marriage.

I caught myself several hours later though; I know there was a loss.

And the loss was me.

 

If any of this sounds familiar to you, google Emotional Incest. There's quite a bit written on it. I am suddenly feeling like there is a path out of this vortex, in no small part because what felt like chaos in my life has a name and an order to it, when for most of my life I knew of neither. And if you have children, daughters particularly, you'll want to read this excellent blog post on the subject:

Princesses, Princes, Daughters and Dads: Against Emotional Incest

Questions From a Parent Considering Gray Divorce

I commented on a No Fault Divorce article last month, because it had a breakdown of divorce's effects on children, listed by stage of their development, and it stopped at age 18 -  to most of society, the last accepted age of parental divorce's significant impact. I received a follow up comment from a still-married mother of adult children, who after reading some of my entries here, asked if I might address some questions, since she is unsure of the wisdom in continuing her marriage. It feels a little heavy to speak my mind in such a context, especially considering that the last 5 years have been characterized by a lack of consistency in the feelings my parents' divorce has elicited. Much of the time since my dad left has been absolute Emotional and Interpersonal Anarchy, not just in my relationships with my parents, but also spilling over into my relationship with my children's father. I have felt largely and categorically undone, and I will talk about my experiences openly, but I feel pretty unqualified to make sweeping, generalized statements.

I can tell you this: the questions I have been asked to answer have never been asked of me before. And if I were the grown child of a parent with enough compassion and perspective to wonder about these answers for her own children, I would feel hopeful about our relationship's potential.

Here's what she's asked me to address:

Finding A Therapist

I made a call this morning. This isn't my first time at the rodeo, but I've never sought help for such a specific issue like this either, so I'm not sure how exactly to proceed. It's not like there's an ACOD therapist directory. (Right? I'd love to find out I'm wrong.)

So I'm looking at:

Family of Origin issues
Divorce Issues
Grief and Loss therapy

I've really only found one name so far. I've met with a total of 4 therapists in my life: 1 was a great fit, 1 was okay, and 2 were definite mismatches. That chemistry issue is pretty huge.

Does anyone have any ideas or pointers here?

Eclipsed & Angry: Standing in their Shadow

Parents don't owe their grown children an intact family of origin, that's fine. I'm not suggesting that anyone martyr themselves here; in fact, please don't. If things are chronically disrespectful and dysfunctional do us all a favor and have the courage one way or another to do something about it.

But what in the HELL does it look like when your parents split as you're getting married? Or birthing their first grandchild? I've seen enough examples at this point to say for sure that if there's a point in your adult life when you're more at risk of becoming an Adult Child of Divorce, you're either engaged, newlywed, or expecting a baby.

We're not supposed to take that personally? It doesn't have anything to do with us? Care to explain that to me?

I'm angry. Frankly I've been stuffing my anger all this time, and it's a major reason why despite being over 5 years in now I'm still so consumed by my parents' split. Nearly every time I write here I fear that  anyone reading who's new to their own ACOD journey will find my current position and lack of progress either pathetic or terrifying. I often feel I should be more "healed" than I am. That's the truth, but this is where I am.

I've mentioned it in passing I think, but I was knocked up when I discovered my dad's affair with the woman he would eventually marry.

Grin and Bear It

I got so tired of hurting and being uncomfortable that all I could think of was the placard on the wall of my elementary school gymnasium: "As you think, so you become."

Seeing my mom hurting hurt me; it sometimes exasperated me. Consequently my lack of patience with her grief, even as I was in the thick of it myself, shamed me. Seeing my dad's girlfriend-now-wife was even worse. The discomfort was profound. But I have performance in my lineage. We put on a brave face professionally. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I guess I must be good at it, because I swear to God I blinked, just blinked, just for a second when my dad left, and when I opened my eyes there was the woman he cheated with, hugging me and telling me that she loved me. There she was, crying on my shoulder. There we were, serving the dinner we'd made in my mother's kitchen, on my mother's dishes, sitting at my mother's table. I'm okay. I'm okay. I just want to get along. 

When my dad told me he was going to propose to her a couple of weeks before the divorce finalized, all I could say was that it was obvious that she's crazy about him. He probably sought my blessing. I probably said, "Sure, fine." Let's just get this all over and behind us, right? New normal?

What a delusion.

Tip for the Day

Take all the family movies. Take any photo you might ever want to see again. Don't even ask. If anyone complains you can split the costs of having everything copied later. It's your history, too.

Divorce Marathon: The End as a Moving Target

The last picture, 14 months after their separation began.

Given that my dad left my mother for another woman, you'd think their divorce would have proceeded in short order. But they separated in the same manner as they navigated their marriage; the next 3.5 years were full of twists and turns. Slight hopes that the nightmare would end were repeatedly deflated.

I recently read an account of gray divorce where from separation to final papers was a space of three months. I'm sure the disorienting speed of that added greatly to their heartbreak. But the way it went for us was awful in the opposite way.

My mother had plugged away through other affairs - I mean, my dad was married to one of those women in between marriages to my mother, and yet even after that my parents managed to reunite.  It was an absolutely brutal time, but still, deep down I believed this could be overcome too.

I found out that my dad was leaving from my mother. It's taken me several days to recall that memory - I'd almost blocked it out. But I did finally dredge up the sight of her, shell-shocked on my couch, telling us that my dad had given her a pamphlet on mediation and that he was moving out. There was no conversation with my dad. He didn't want to witness our reactions, and for that act of cowardice, I didn't talk to him again for almost 4 months.

A full year into the separation, my parents still saw each other sporadically.

5 Things

It's one thing to feel like you should have been able to prevent your parents' divorce. Like that was your function in the family - to hold it together. Yes, as an adult I believed that: children are not the only ones who feel that way. When parents let kids into their problems and the children do actually seem to have some fresh understanding that sprouts even small successes, things become very entangled very quickly.

It's another thing to be the one that discovered and exposed the thing that ended it, to go with your sense of moral duty, even when it defeats the purpose you believed you were serving.

It's another thing then, to hear from your cheating father that it's your actions that have ruined your family, that have cost him his job and threatened your family's financial security.

It's another to be told by your mother, 3 years later, that you could have saved your family but apparently you just didn't want to. I was 29 and a mother of two, and my mom asked me to give my dad an ultimatum before he married his 3rd wife - "Choose me or her." She was sure that he would have chosen me. I refused. Looking back, it's the most unfair thing that anyone's ever said to me.

And it's another that she's brought up my refusal since then, and when I finally told her how hurt I felt from her request, she stood by it.

Parental Alienation Soundrack

Have you listened to "When Doves Cry" lately? There's something brilliantly therapeutic in dancing to such sad sentiments.

I am my father's daughter in more ways than I can count, temperament not the least among them; and yet I'm female and the oldest child, and I feel a strong kinship with my mother as well. We have lots of interests in common despite major differences in our outlooks. I've always felt that I was a blend of my parents, and even as I've alternately struggled with relationships with both of them, I love them deeply.

However, in times of discord my mother has attempted Parental Alienation. I'm confident that she would say given the circumstances, it was in my best interest and completely justifiable. My mother is a painfully honest person; her opinions are just that, but I don't argue when she says, "This happened," because her track record is pretty reliable. There's no denying that my dad was a terrible husband to her in very significant ways - even he has said so. But growing up and even now as an adult, the comparisons she makes between me and my father have rooted a deep struggle and hopelessness in me.

I've always known that my mother loved me - though mostly I felt her definition of love was "commitment," not love -  but since I was 12 I have also believed that she did not and probably would not ever like me. I am too much like my dad in her eyes. Now that he is gone from her presence, it has often felt as though she views me as his stand in.

Introducing the Amazing, Disappearing Community! Poof!

I ran across this guest blog entry while searching for others writing on the same topic. A Divorce Attorney and Mediator of  23 years writes about the differences in the divorce experience for older children.

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Feeling Barefoot: Adult Children of Divorce: An Attorney’s Perspective

" 'Written exclusively for Feeling Barefoot by guest blogger Diana Mercer:

It seems like older children take their parents’ divorce much harder than the younger ones do. As much as a divorce rocks the world of a child under 12 years old, mostly these kids are resilient and they adapt to the change in circumstances. And the younger they are, the better they adapt..."

"So what happens to the older kids is even more heartbreaking, because there’s less time and opportunity for repair. If you’re older and out of the house, you don’t have teachers and guidance counselors looking over your shoulder. You don’t see your folks every day. You’re busy with college or culinary school or work and unless you’re really fumbling nobody suggests you talk to a therapist.' "  

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And if you happen to be a new mother when your parents break up, everyone will find it much easier to talk about your baby's sleeping habits. They'll have 300 product recommendations and 150 books to share on how to feed your kids, but no one will have a word for you about what's happened to your family of origin. And you yourself will stay awake during the precious moments your baby is asleep, because it's the only time you'll have to cry.

So this attorney seems to mostly be addressing the older teen, but the list she presents feels familiar. I would add two things:

Wait, what am I?

That post last night took me forever to write. Looking it over now, maybe I have almost as much in common with Children of Divorce as Adult Children of Divorce. It's not like I grew up feeling that everything was okay and then it was suddenly shattered. Maybe the difficulty in all this is that I'm somewhat both - I didn't have to contend with a step family growing up, and my college fund wasn't spent on lawyers, but I did spend time going back and forth between them, both physically and emotionally. I did feel responsible for protecting my sister. I was the confidant that both my parents unloaded on. Granted, it was not to the same degree as when they split for good: for example I knew growing up that my dad was sexually unhappy, because he told me so. But as an adult child he thought it was be just fine to exclaim to me how much his new wife loves to "screw his brains out." Are kids hearing that from their parents? Are other adults even hearing stuff like that?

Typing that out, typing all this out... there's such a deep sense of shame. It sounds so trashy. Looking at us I'm sure no one would have guessed our family was capable of this. We had 3 houses growing up, private schools all the way through college, church twice a week, and two forks at each place setting every dinner. I guess that's proof that economic status and fluency in proper social etiquette don't mean anything at all about character.

The Path to Separation is Paved with Separations - PART 2

YOU'RE READING PART 2. CLICK HERE TO READ PART 1.

A series of freak health incidences lead me to return home after college. Nothing had changed; my parents never talked to each other,  spent time alone together or spoke to each other in warm tones. But that's how it had always been, and they'd held on. The Poster Marriage for Commitment, even surviving infidelity. It wasn't functional, but it still existed. I'm sure that felt like quite a hard-won achievement, but I wonder at how they could have ever convinced themselves that was enough. Or even tolerable.

In early 2005 I told my parents I was pregnant with my son. It was not a planned pregnancy; I had not been with my boyfriend very long. On the surface they seemed to circle the wagons with such compassion as I'd never felt before. But it made my mother very very sad, and she couldn't hide it. It seemed to me that her sadness impossibly drove my dad even further away.

When she resurfaced, something odd happened: she went out and bought a bunch of new clothes. She got her hair done. She started courting my dad. The only memories I have of my parents being physically affectionate are from this time. I close my eyes and see my post-menopausal mother in a lacy tank top, sitting on my dad's lap at the dining room table. This time her instinct knew something that neither of our brains did.